How do you feel when you read those words?
Excitement? Fear? Anticipation? Dread?
Maybe a combo of all the feels?
There are pivotal moments in everyone’s life when it becomes clear that it’s time to start over.
A relationship needs to end (or begin).
Your job is sucking your soul and the time to quit was so last year, but you’re still hanging on hoping it will magically get better.
You want to start a business, or you have a business but it hasn’t been fulfilling you for awhile.
Your health has been on a decline, and you know it’s time to start exercising and eating well.
You’re tired of being ruled by fear, or your inner bitch, but you don’t know how to stop the incessant barrage of insults in your mind.
I’ve started over so many times in my life, I’ve lost count. The most recent start over happened in January of 2020.
Who hasn’t started over in some way, this year? 2020 is a shit show of uncertainty and cancelled plans, and everyone on the planet is either stopping or starting in some way.
So nothing new there.
I’d been living in Spain since 2018 and in January of 2020 I left for Canada. (With a short pit stop in Paris, because….well, Paris)
I came back to Canada with the intentions of spending some quality time with my kids and family, before my youngest son deployed to Iraq.
February and March sailed by and with them all my great plans.
Without any idea of how long the lockdown would last, I meandered my way through seven airbnbs, 2 provinces, and 4 cities, waiting for borders to reopen and flights to resume so I could ‘go back to my life’.
By May, weary of being a wanderer, I found an apartment in Victoria; near my sister and mom, and close enough to my kids to see them on weekends.
I remember the day I got the keys to my apartment. Empty because I couldn’t find anything furnished that didn’t make me want to hurl. I stood there wondering how I would get furniture, let alone why I would want to, with a perfectly good apartment waiting for me in Spain. Panic filled my throat at the daunting task at hand – trying to piece together furniture when everything was closed, when the last thing I wanted was to buy another sofa, and wondered what the hell I was doing. I sat on the floor to think.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but eventually I dragged my ass to Canadian Tire (it’s like Home Depot but we like it better) and bought a lawn chair and a small plastic folding table. I brought them back to the empty apartment, and plunked them in the middle of the living room.
Sitting on that lawn chair, in an empty apartment, with my laptop perched on the floppy little table, I started over.
One moment at a time. One decision at a time. Not knowing what would happen, or what it would look like.
I still don’t know, really. But I’m showing up each day with curiosity, allowing the fear to be present, but not letting it make my decisions. Some days suck big time. Other days are exciting and I feel surges of fresh inspiration.
Starting over with this blog has been one of them. I feel inspired to write again, and I want to share my journey of starting over with you. I have no idea where it’s going to go, but I don’t really care. What I care about is listening to my Self and instead of ignoring Her, actually doing what she says. Radical!
I hope to bring you doses of inspiration, encouragement and a friendly place to hang out. I’d love to hear how you’re doing, and what your year has been like. What are you starting over? How’s it going?
We’re all connected and never alone and I’ve got your back.
I’ve got an online community too! It’s a girl gang where we aggressively support each other….if that sounds like fun to you check it out here.